In many families in Afghanistan, older children bear responsibilities far beyond their years. When children are placed in the role of a parent, they face a heavy burden that can lead to significant emotional and psychological harm. Psychologists refer to this phenomenon as “parentification” or “child-as-parent.” They express concern, emphasizing that while seeking help from a child is not inherently wrong, assigning a parental role to a child has negative consequences.
When children carry the weight of household and family responsibilities instead of backpacks, toys, and childhood dreams, they become lost between childhood and adulthood. In such situations, a child assumes the role of a father or mother, caring for siblings or serving as the family’s emotional anchor. They may appear strong outwardly, but inwardly, they endure immense psychological pressure—a burden often overlooked and rarely taken seriously.
Asma, 29, is one of those who took on a motherly role in childhood. She says her mother was both employed and ill, leaving Asma to cook and care for her two-month-old siblings with her small hands. She emphasizes that the overwhelming responsibilities left her in constant stress and anxiety, a feeling that became permanent.
With deep regret, the young woman says she has no memories of enjoying her childhood and wishes she could have played more, laughed, and savored life. She says, “I always had to take care of others and never felt peace, security, or mental calm.”
Asma adds, “I was always on high alert, worried that someone might get upset or something might go wrong. With so many responsibilities—home, school, and the children—I had to manage everything. I was constantly anxious and worried, and even now, with no problems or responsibilities, that feeling has seeped into my entire being, and I can’t escape it.”
Firoza is another child who experienced responsibilities heavier than her age. She says, “Because I was forced to take on responsibilities beyond my capacity at a young age, I often couldn’t perform them properly. This led to feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Sometimes, I was punished for my mistakes, which made me feel guilty and incapable.”
She emphasizes, “Even now, I can’t easily ask for help from others. Every time I try to make a request, I feel intense anxiety, as if something inside me prevents me from speaking.”
Behishta, another young person with a similar experience, believes that when a child grows up in a parental role, it can also have positive outcomes. She says, “The positive aspects of this situation are that a person doesn’t easily accept defeat, as they’re accustomed to facing many challenges from childhood. They behave more rationally and are more active and successful in terms of social intelligence because the more a person uses their brain, the more active it becomes, leading to more precise, successful, and better choices.”
However, some psychologists stress that a child should remain a child and not replace a parent, as this disrupts their healthy emotional and psychological development, with effects lasting into adulthood.
Rezwana Rahimi, a psychologist, says on this matter, “Parentification has both positive and negative consequences. On the positive side, children who experience parentification often grow up to be more responsible, with stronger skills in management, empathy, and decision-making. However, the negative consequences of this phenomenon are deeper and more lasting, potentially causing significant psychological harm throughout a person’s life.”
She adds, “Feelings of ‘not fitting in’ with peers and hidden anger stemming from injustice and excessive responsibility become ingrained in these children, to the point that they always prioritize others’ needs over their own. These individuals often develop a form of chronic responsibility in adulthood.”
Rahimi further explains, “These children also suffer from psychological burnout, chronic anxiety, feelings of being overlooked, depression, hidden anger, and a lack of healthy emotional boundaries. They learn to ignore their desires and sacrifice themselves to please others.”
Parentification, or child-as-parent, is a common phenomenon in Afghanistan that receives little attention. While it sometimes fosters positive traits like a heightened sense of responsibility, it more often causes deep and lasting psychological harm to the individual.
You can read the Persian version of this report here:
رنج والدسازی کودکان؛ زمانی که کودکان بزرگتر از سن خود مسوولیت میپذیرند
