Online marriages and matchmaking have become significant issues among the people of Afghanistan. Many users attempt to choose their life partners through virtual platforms, but these choices sometimes lead to divorce and domestic violence due to a lack of genuine understanding. This report includes interviews with 11 individuals who have married or entered romantic relationships through online connections. Of those interviewed, four who married through these means could not sustain their relationships and have separated. In contrast, five others expressed satisfaction, stating that the real and virtual personas of their partners aligned, leading to fulfilling lives. Additionally, one individual noted that their partner’s virtual persona did not match their real-life character, and another emphasized that, despite continuing a marriage formed online, they remain constantly suspicious and curious about their spouse. The findings of this report indicate that some online marriages have led to women being deceived by individuals with backgrounds in addiction or drug trafficking. Similarly, some individuals misrepresented themselves and failed to honor promises made during online interactions. Meanwhile, psychologists stress that online marriages, if based on superficial knowledge of the other party, are vulnerable to various psychological harms.
The internet and social media are no longer just tools for communication but have become influential factors in major life decisions, including marriage. The experiences of the interviewees in this report show that online marriages have brought happiness and harmony for some, while for others, they have resulted in bitter stories of collapse, deception, and violence.
Fereshta (pseudonym), a 29-year-old woman who has lived in Canada for over a decade, shares her painful experience of an engagement that not only failed to lead to marriage but also left deep psychological scars. Fereshta initially connected with a young man online, unaware that he was addicted to drugs.
Speaking about her unsuccessful online marriage experience, she says: “Our former neighbor in Kabul, through an acquaintance, suggested that their son get engaged to me. After some time, I spoke with the young man online. He appeared well-groomed, well-dressed, and his family seemed respectable. I thought he was a good match and agreed. But after the engagement, I noticed troubling behaviors; he was always drowsy, indifferent to my feelings, and there was a restlessness in his speech.”
Fereshta adds: “I was torn, until one day a friend of my father, who had come from Kabul, visited us. When I told him about my engagement, based on his knowledge of the young man’s family, he revealed that the man had moral and behavioral issues, and his family had arranged the engagement just to get him to Canada. Only three months had passed since our engagement.”
With a heavy heart, the young woman says, “I wish I had realized earlier; maybe my heart wouldn’t have been so broken. His desire to come to Canada or escape Afghanistan didn’t upset me. What devastated me was his family’s instrumental use of me to rid themselves of him, his moral failings, and his addiction.”
Rahima (pseudonym), a 34-year-old doctor who, after meeting an Afghanistan citizen doctor living in Germany online, entered a relationship that led to marriage, says: “Initially, our communication was mostly professional and academic, but over time, it grew intimate, and we decided to marry. After marriage, I moved to Germany, but I soon noticed he stayed out late, drank alcohol, and brought friends home. I realized he was indulging in nightlife. When I objected, he coldly said This isn’t Afghanistan; you can enjoy yourself like me.”
She continues: “Having grown up in a cultured and family-oriented environment, I couldn’t tolerate this situation. Eventually, with my brother’s help, I separated from him.”
Zarifa (pseudonym), one of the women who experienced a bitter online marriage, is now grappling with severe depression and psychological trauma. She says she met her husband through a Telegram group. The first few months of their marriage went well, and they decided to migrate first to Iran and then to Turkey. However, their relationship gradually deteriorated.
She explains: “At first, I thought we were happy. We went to Iran with plans to move to Turkey, but I soon realized he wasn’t who he claimed to be. He came home late, sometimes drunk or not at all. He made excuses, lied, and his phone was always locked. I gradually discovered he was engaging in nightlife and unhealthy behaviors. There was no respect or commitment. Whenever I asked for explanations, he responded with aggression.”
Zohra (pseudonym), another victim of virtual connections, shares her painful experience: “My former fiancé was a companion of one of my patients. He got my number through WhatsApp, claiming he needed advice about his father’s medication. Our relationship grew, and after a brief acquaintance, we decided to get engaged. I informed my family. But about a month and a half later, his strange insistence on hastening the marriage made me suspicious.”
Zohra adds, “His behavior became odd; it was very different from what he initially portrayed. He claimed to be in the pharmaceutical trade, but through a colleague’s wife, I learned he was involved in drug trafficking and had been released from prison after the Taliban’s takeover. Over time, I realized his true character bore no resemblance to what he had shown; he was unstable, secretive, and unethical. I informed my family, and they prevented the relationship from continuing.”
Uranus (pseudonym), one of the women who says she has been paying the price for a wrong decision for years, shares: “I met my husband, who was the brother of one of my classmates, through a group for preparing for the university entrance exam. Our connection led to an engagement and then marriage. But soon, I saw his true face. From the start, he barred me from attending university. During our engagement, his behavior gradually changed, but I hoped things would improve after marriage.”
She adds, “His behavior is erratic, aggressive, unstable, and completely different from the image he projected. I now have three children: two boys and a girl. But my life has turned into a nightmare. My husband spends most of his time under the influence of sedatives and drugs. When I ask him to quit for the sake of our children, he reacts violently, beating me and the kids with no respect for us. He knows his behavior is wrong and has tried to quit multiple times but has failed.”
However, one of the individuals in this report says their online romantic relationship did not lead to marriage. According to them, the real and virtual personas of their love interest were different, and upon discovering that the person they had been communicating with for months was significantly older, they chose not to meet in person.
Sarafraz (pseudonym), 29, says he grew up in a 17-member family and always suffered from a lack of affection. He shares: “One day, I decided to find someone on Facebook to confide in and have my voice heard. I didn’t have hair oil at home, so I used Vaseline, combed my hair, and went to the part in the first district of Khairkhana area in Kabul. I asked my friend to take a photo of me to share on Facebook. When I returned home, I faced physical confrontation from my brother, but that night I found someone and was happy.”
He adds that his online communication with his love interest lasted six months, and they eventually decided to meet in person. He says: “I thought I had found love on Facebook, but I didn’t realize that behind those poetic words was a woman as old as my mother, not for love, but for exploitation. My heart broke—not from the deception, but because I believed I was lovable.”
Despite the high rate of dissatisfaction and failure in online marriages, successful cases cannot be overlooked. Some couples, through dialogue, deep understanding, and mutual decision-making, have built fulfilling lives together.
One successful example of an online marriage is the story of Yusuf (pseudonym) and his fiancée, whose acquaintance began through an academic messaging group. Although one remained in Kabul and the other migrated to London, they stayed loyal to each other and got engaged this year. With their families’ approval and thorough understanding, they have now started their life together.
Yusuf says, “I met my wife through Messenger, and we gradually grew close. After the Taliban’s takeover, my family and I migrated to London, but I remained true to the promise I made. Now, after years, we’re finally engaged, and we’re very happy.”
Firooza, another example of a successful online marriage, is a woman who found her like-minded life partner through a literary group during the COVID-19 lockdown. She says she met her husband through a poetry and storytelling group during the lockdown. After the Taliban’s takeover, Firooza and her family sought refuge in Italy, while her future husband remained in Afghanistan, and they weren’t even engaged yet.
Firooza says: “He went to my sister’s house in Afghanistan to propose, and my sister, on behalf of our family, accepted. We initially had an online engagement. After three years, his legal paperwork was completed, and despite all the hardships, we reunited. I’m thrilled to have found someone who shares my thoughts and views.”
Nevertheless, some believe that online marriages, if formed with understanding, dialogue, and sufficient knowledge, can be a path to more informed and rational partner selection.
Zubair, a young man who supports breaking outdated traditions through online marriages, adds: “If marriage is done consciously with mutual understanding and real knowledge, it’s much better than girls or boys being forced to marry someone chosen by their parents or under threats of disownment. Families should accept that their children are grown and have the right to play a central role in this important decision, rather than having someone chosen for them without any knowledge.”
Zubair emphasizes: “I believe that this type of acquaintance, if accompanied by respect and maturity, can be a good start for a successful marriage.”
Ziba (pseudonym), a young woman who grew up with emotional voids and found happiness in the virtual world, says her life changed for the better. She was engaged to her cousin in her teens, but his humiliating behavior and his family’s coldness discouraged her from continuing the relationship.
Through Facebook, Ziba met a young man from Herat. Their initial conversations were simple but gradually led to trust and affection. She decided to end her previous engagement. The man from Herat came to Kabul, and they met in person; and that meeting was enough to solidify their decision to marry. She says: “It’s been three years since our marriage. We have a daughter, and our life may be simple, but it’s full of love—the thing I was always searching for.”
Although some online marriages have led to positive outcomes, even successful cases sometimes leave deep psychological and emotional scars.
Sharif (pseudonym), one of those who married after years of online communication, says stress and anxiety have become constant parts of his life, and feelings of suspicion and mistrust linger. He also suffers from guilt over missed opportunities that could have been spent advancing his education and knowledge.
Sharif says: “During that time, I was constantly stressed and anxious. I had no peace, and I lost focus on my studies. Despite having all the resources to study, I was consumed by worries about my relationship, which caused me to miss many opportunities.”
Meanwhile, some psychologists highlight the dual outcomes of online marriages, noting that they can be both an opportunity to find a compatible partner and a source of emotional and psychological harm.
Rezwana Rahimi, a psychologist, says that online marriages, if based on superficial knowledge without a deep understanding of the other party’s character and circumstances, are prone to various psychological harms.
She emphasizes: “In the virtual world, people often present an idealized version of themselves. This superficial and unrealistic understanding, when confronted with real-life differences in behavior and culture, can lead to emotional failure, reduced self-confidence, depression, and even identity crises.”
Rahimi adds: “Emotional deception, false identities, or a lack of genuine intent for marriage are harms that often victimize young women. In many cases, women experience feelings of worthlessness, mistrust, and severe disappointment that impact their mental health for a long time.”
A study published in the journal Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking shows that couples who meet online are less likely to marry formally and, if they do, are more likely to separate or divorce. The study, conducted on over 40,000 people in the United States, found that only 32% of online couples marry, compared to 67% of offline couples. Additionally, 8% of online couples separate or divorce, compared to 2% of offline couples.
Data from Michigan State University shows that couples who meet through online dating platforms are 28% more likely to break up within the first 12 months of their relationship.
The study found that couples who meet through traditional methods, such as work, socializing, or friends, have more stable and longer-lasting relationships. In contrast, online relationships are less stable and more likely to fail quickly.
Recent research from the University of Michigan also shows that 86% of participants using online dating platforms are concerned about inaccurate or misleading profiles, which can undermine trust in the early stages of a relationship.
According to the study, in the UK, about 20% of heterosexual couples meet online, while 70% of same-sex couples meet through the internet.
Studies also indicate that online relationships can lead to psychological harm. For example, a UK study found that Muslim women who met men posing as doctors on dating sites suffered anxiety and depression after being deceived and financially threatened.
The advantages and disadvantages of online dating have been widely debated since it became popular. Concerns about fake profiles and relationships formed through social media often arise due to a lack of sufficient trust, which can lead to failure. However, many couples who meet online have successfully married or maintained long-term relationships years later.
Online marriages, often starting with simple chats or messages, can lead to unstable emotional dependencies, psychological harm, and even emotional and mental abuse. According to the study’s findings, while some online marriages appear successful, many individuals, even after marriage, carry psychological scars from the relationship, such as stress, mistrust, anxiety, insecurity, and regret over missed academic and professional opportunities.
Meanwhile, some girls and families in Afghanistan, concerned about the future education and prospects of girls, prefer to choose online suitors, especially those abroad, to escape Taliban proposals and secure their daughters’ futures.
However, reports indicate that these marriages are often unsuccessful, with older men sometimes proposing to teenage or young girls, leading to separations due to differences in traditional and ideological beliefs.
You can read the Persian version of this investigative report here:
